cautiously optimistic

i'm reluctant to even write this.
you know, because of the whammy-factor.
i don't want to put one on myself. i've done it before.
in fact, i daresay i have a pattern of this behavior:
i get all jacked up and excited and announce that i've had
a fairly ok, pain free run one day
only to hear my knee start to talk smack the next day.
i should just keep quiet. see how it goes first.
but since i don't know how to do that,
and i'm fairly bursting at the seams with excitement
and at the same time trying to remain cool and realistic
here goes:
i ran today. and the day before yesterday too.
and this is mostly significant because
for two runs in a row, for the first time in 5 weeks,
there was zero pain. zero. none. nada. zilch.
two runs. in a row.
and i may be jumping the gun a bit,
and therefore putting the whammy on myself -
it wouldn't be the first time.
but i just counted out the number of weeks until
this.
physical therapist knows this has been my hopeful plan.
she hasn't told me i'm delusional. yet.
keep your fingers crossed.
knock on wood.
i wonder if there is a patron saint i can bury in the backyard.
the saint of
happy knees, you can totally gear up to run 13.1 in five weeks.
i think i might be a weensy bit delusional.
perhaps too excited over past two runs.
must.calm.down -
see how next few runs play out.
but still. i could always use some sort of happy running-mojo
patron saint buried in the backyard. for times such as this.
__________________________________

postscript (added post-run friday):
now its' three runs.
three pain free runs in a row.
knocking on wood.

shhhh...

don't say anything to my it band or my knee, because i don't want to put the whammy on anything; but we all went for a little run today. and nothing hurt. granted, it was so agonizingly slow, they may not have even known we were running. they may have just thought we were up and about and cleaning the house for 4.6 miles. i'm trying to play it cool. i didn't even smile while we were all out happily running. we've been here before, this little test run where nothing hurt and i get all jacked up and excited over how i am out of the woods only to find myself back in them again. so, you did not hear that i went for a pain free 4.6 miles from me. i'm not talking. i don't want them to hear me or think i am even remotely optimistic.

recovery

the grimacing sideways-shuffle-down-the-stairs-soreness has abated and the weird funky fog, and imminent danger of a flood of blubbery waterworks has lifted. i totally googled "post marathon blues" yesterday. they exist, people. so i am not totally crazy. if it exists in the google it must be real, right? it must mean i am normal. then again, people all over the world google 'long boobs', and that cannot be normal. or real. eew.

i tried to figure out the blues. it wasn't sadness over anything in particular. in fact, it was just that - i was sad about the nothingness. no running, no schedule, no singular focus, no goal. while i know my body and mind need a rest; i miss the running. the singular focus. the goal. and while i can't say i miss being up at mile repeat street or getting up at 4 am to run with the big dogs, i do miss the routine. i told my husband this yesterday & he said: "its only been four days!" yes. its only been four days. but when thirty weeks of training and two marathons come to a grinding halt; four days can feel like a lot. you can get lost in those four days.

and even though i'm elated at having completed my third marathon and in much the same way that if you have three of something, it is considered a collection - i feel that three marathons makes you a marathoner, and i absolutley love that the number four has been replaced with a number three in my personal bests over there in that sidebar; i was still feeling lost. but i'm not lost anymore. i realized i need to remember all those days i longed to run without my watch, without my heartrate monitor. all those days i wanted to cut a run short, skip a hill, or walk for a bit. i can do that now. i can make a run longer if i am feeling great. i can cut it short if i'm not. i can run fast or slow and not worry that i'm jacking around with any prescribed paces or mileage. i can run some races and just see what happens. i can get back on my bike and try to get last summers' mojo back.

i've spent the last several months longing for this sort of freedom; its' here now and i need to just go with it. this is a weensy bit hard for me, because i've learned what having a plan can do. but now i think the next lesson is to learn to be okay with just being. without a schedule to tell me how to be or what to do.

what do i do now?

a slow run or nap?
five days after marathon
grueling decisions

the day after the marathon

sleeping in late. getting a massage. lying around on the couch, the only activity being lifting a glass of wine to drink. having ice cream with hot fudge sauce for breakfast. not cleaning the house or doing laundry cause it hurts too much to go up and down stairs - these are all good things to do, or not do the day after a marathon.

but i think my personal favorite is the thing i did late last night: my husband had just left with friends to go mountain biking. in the snow. cause there was a real honest-to-goodness blanket of it outside. he was like a little kid getting dressed to go out sledding in the first snow of the year - he was so excited. and when coach & his wife pulled up on our lawn and my husband headed out with them, it looked like it was going to be fun. and i had snowy activity envy. but activity was something my screaming quads were not really interested in. but that snow! i couldn't help myself. i had to do it. if the forecasters were right, it would be covered with ice by morning.

i dug out my ancient xc skis, poles & moth eaten boots, and cross country skiied for an hour on the streets of my neighborhood. my quads stopped screaming at me for just a little while and enjoyed every stretchy stride. it was quiet and would have been much darker if it weren't for the blanket of bright snow. ginormous snowflakes were falling on my face. perfectly dreamy. once home, i resumed my spot on the couch and had some more wine. which, after cross country skiing may be my second favorite post marathon activity. fittingly, it is also a good apres-ski activity.