Mar 31, 2009

spring cleaning

i bought a new mop yesterday.

it had been a long time since i bought a new one – mostly because i thought i didn’t need a new one in that, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it sorta way. but it was clearly long overdue. mostly because i was beginning to wonder; after mopping, why everything still looked like shit. and why my house suddenly started to take on the odor of a wet sponge or a small dead animal in the walls.

i blamed it on the old house and old floors that my husband partially blames me for ruining – something to do with the fact that dragging furniture all over the hardwood floors every time i want to rearrange the house - which is freakishly often, is not good for them.


but i had resigned myself to thinking that - through no fault of my own of course; our floors were beyond saving and that was just the way our floors look: like crap.

i finally figured out who the smelly culprits were and put the offending mop and bucket outside where they are currently stinking up the outside of my house. and i went out and bought a new mop and a new bucket.

evidently, this makes a big difference. clean things. to clean things.

and after i had mopped the entire first floor and gazed at the awesomeness that was really, really clean floors for the first time in like, forever – and lulu announced that our house didn’t smell like stinky cheese anymore, i remembered another mop(s) -

we had just moved to louisville and it was just my husband and i and our two year old, henry. we lived in a little apartment with wall to wall carpeting and a tiny kitchen with linoleum flooring.

having a two year just meant cereal, rice, noodles and all kinds of stuff was being hurled all over the floor of that little kitchen, all the time.

i needed to mop that tiny floor. a lot.

so i did.

and one day the mop broke. i can’t remember exactly what happened, but it was mid-mop and i have a weensy temper and so i got mad. and i may have let out a few choice expletives.

so i took my 2 year old to the market to buy a new mop.

and the following week, while using the new mop for maybe the 3rd time since its’ purchase, it broke. can’t recall the specifics again, maybe the scrubby thing on the end fell off, or the sponge would disintegrate cause i’d leave it in the bucket, or the squeegy thing lost its squeegy handle which rendered it useless.

i took my 2 year old to the market and bought another mop. a different brand this time.

and the following week, while using that new mop for maybe the 3rd time since it’s purchase, it broke. and so began a pattern of broken mops and a crazed expletive yelling stay home mom with a two year old that went on for, believe it or not, about 5 or 6 mops. each time i’d be in the kitchen screaming and yelling – fucking mop this, and fucking mop that. my husband would come home from work and i’d rant on and on about the fucking mops.

he’d say maybe i am getting what i am paying for. maybe i need to buy a better mop. spend a tiny bit more money.

so, after the next mop inevitably broke, as all my mops were wont to do; i packed my two year old up and brought him to the market, yet again, to buy another mop.

muttering the whole way about the fucking mops.

i stood in the aisle, surveying all the mops, trying desperately to see if there was a brand i had not yet purchased and i picked a mop out of the rack – the biggest, baddest mother of the most expensive mop in the bunch. it looked indestructible. it was a thing of moply beauty.

and i said to the two year old sitting in my cart:

henry, what do you think of this mop?

he replied simply-

that’s a big fucking mop, mom.


Organic Meatbag said...

Mop!? How about the wet swifter? You will never want to set eyes on a mop again! Unless you have a mop fascination...

Gotta Run..... said...

My mom drilled the "one the floor on your knees with a rag" deal so I know nothing of mops. Sometimes my knees wish I had a mop though.

loved your story. Put a little smile on my face.

Joe Biker said...

that's a funny fucking story, zanne

Groover said...

I refused using mops until about two months ago when Alberto insisted to buy one because he hated seeing me cleaning the floors with a cloth on my knees. Do you know what? I have maybe used it twice since and it makes the floors stink! And I changed the top bit already because it stinks. I don't like fucking mops. They just don't get floors clean. LOL

bsegal said...

Damn that's funny, can I get you to over on Wednesdays? We could use a lady with a big fucking mop.

Cindy said...

hee hee thanks for the laugh!

~ lauren said...

super fucking funny!

don't you have dogs? you should just let them be the mops.

zanne said...

meatbag - i'm not sure swiffers were on the scene 10 years ago - but i've tried them since. those damn wipes kept coming off ... went back to the mop.

gotta run - oh, believe me, I've done the down on hands & knees with a rag or sponge thing too - but only in the kitchen (i think its' the only way to really get it clean). but, our entire house (top to bottom, 3 floors) is hardwood floors - basically, the down on the hand & knees with a rag just isn't gonna cut it!

thanks joe - its' one of my favorites in that arsenal of funny kid stories!

groover - too funny. my dream house has floors that can just be hosed down.

bsegal, cindy, lauren - heehee. happy to make y'all laugh. it really is a funny fucking story ... one of my faves. and yes, we do have a dog, but she's part of the problem, i can see her paw prints all over the place!

Judi said...

i use a swiffer zanne.

and only YOU can write an entire post about a fucking MOP and keep me reading it till the end.


Anonymous said...

Pee in my pants..... thats a funny story

bsegal said...

Admit it, you just came up w a brilliant plan to see how many people you could get to say "fuck". Obviously some of us represented less of a challenge than others.

zanne said...

you got me ... being #1 on google for "mile long boobs" wasn't enough, i really wanted to also be #1 for "big fucking mop".

go ahead now - google "mile long boobs".

ItchyBits said...

Hilarious! I am starting to think that maybe you are an aggressive mopper.

bsegal said...

Good lord woman.

Anonymous said...


I hate mops. I use a swiffer. And rarely. :) I'm more of a sweeper than a mopper.

And I just googled "mile long boobs"

Beth said...

Ha!! Nothing like a 2 year old to put life in perspective. When I was 8 months pregnant with my Henry, Matilda (aged 2 ) told the lady out the checkout that ' mummy's bottom is WAY too big for the swing now".

zanne said...

yeah - that mile long boob thing? makes a girl proud. that's my biggest search thingy that brings people here. I'm sure those people that googled mile long boobs and arrived here are so disappointed. i mean, really? mile long boobs? ew.

beth - that's pretty funny. they really do say the funniest things. and they really do listen to everything we say!

i do think i may be an agressive mopper.

caroline said...

That is one of my favorite stories!

Here's one for you. Um, the other day Elsie and I were in a public restroom. Crowded, of course. And Elsie announced loudly, "Mom, your bum is REALLY HAIRY."

Nice, kid. Nice.

Stuart said...

I am on the fence with the mop thing but using clean thing to clean things makes perfect sense!