Sep 28, 2007


i was tired this week. so tired i could barely function. there were 2 days this week that i fell onto the couch into such a deep stupor that i was dreaming about napping. about needing a nap. about where i would nap. about how long i could afford to nap. i'm dreaming all this. while napping.

and so of course when i am upright & semi-lucid,
i do one of the things i do best.
i panic.
about this tiredness.
i don't see a reason for it.
and i think something is wrong with me. i'm not normal. is this normal?
so i think: ohmygodiamsotiredicantstanduphowamigoingtoqualifyforboston?
you know - cause that makes sense.

the most logical explanation for certain things never even occurs to me. and i mean never. well. almost. never. sometimes it does, but not usually. i am a worst case scenario girl. and that is always the first thought.

and i realized; well, truth be told, i realized nothing - it had to be spelled out for me by my husband & coach (because of course, i needed feedback on my panic. panic feedback):
my husband is out of town this week. it's just me. and three kids.
while recovering from a 51 mile week.
and so, duh ... this is why i am tired.
my own idiocy & inability to see the logical explanation never ceases to amaze me.

and it takes this debillitating tiredness to appreciate my husband ... in that, you don't know what you got till its gone way. i mean, i know what i got. he's amazing. but i'm not sure i understood the magnitude of his support until he was gone - i go to bed early ... to stretch, to stick myself - to do whatever it is i need to do to qualify for boston. which sometimes means reading inspiring running stories. or, um ... Us Weekly. he takes care of the kids & the entire households' evening activities ... the dishes, the dogs, the signing of reading logs, the kids' lollygagging & prolonging their bedtimes, he does all the rubbing of their feet & backs, the teeth brushing, the umpteen trips to the bathroom, the reading with them, the telling them to stop jumping on their beds, the cracking of skulls and the sweeping, if-i-have-to-come-up-here-one-more-time announcements.

he does it all -
so i can go to sleep early & get up to run.
and we do it all over again.

and he puts up with my insanity, intensity, absurdity ... i swear, he was a psychiatrist in a past life, cause he can read me like a book - and i'll tell you - this book is whack. i'd never be where i am without him. i don't know how i would accomplish what i have without him. this training doesn't go as smoothly without him.

i'm spoiled. i'm lucky. i'm blessed. i'm loved.

and i'm waiting for him to come home -
cause i have got to get back on my 9pm bedtime program.

thanks babe.
just 3 more weeks of crazy.
you know,

Sep 25, 2007

honey, you look exhausted

this is what a little old lady said to me this morning while she was standing on the curb with her dog watching me finish my first mile repeat. -- i was surprised to hear someone speak to me - usually, there is no one to see me do these intervals ... i do them in the pre-dawn darkness & have grown to like it that way. there is something zen about it. like its not really happening. its in a dream. --- but my husband is out of town this week & i wasn't comfortable leaving the house while the kids were still sleeping. my youngest has a tendency to come up to our bed around 4:30 some mornings. how awful for her if the bed was empty. the intervals were going to have to be done in the daylight. -- it was already hot at 8 am when i started out.

running down my street, everything hurt.
i thought, it's going to be ugly today.

i get to the start & i'm off. i just go. i'm on the one mile at a time program. this has got to be my hardest interval. ever. it is just so hard. it's hard to breathe. and i think its because the sun has come up and its already hot. or i still have some lingering stomach bug. and i swear, coming down the homestretch, i feel a wave of fever encompass my head.

i hit the red button.
this is the fastest mile i have ever run in my life.

4 minutes later i start the next repeat. my mind is blank. i am still on the one mile at a time program. this one feels harder. but i know that the first was too fast. way out of target zone - on the other side. i think its' harder cause its the second one. i give myself permission to take it down a notch. and coming down the homestretch, i feel like a parachute has opened up behind me, the slow-down is that palpable.

i hit the red button.
and now this is the fastest mile i have ever run in my life.

i am completley perplexed by how this happens. i know this sounds absurd. i was just hoping, praying to stay within target range. those numbers were not my goal. i didn't mean to run this fast. and in fact, i may be in the doghouse for doing so. i'm not sure. i know the target range is there for a reason. but it just happened. if someone had asked me when i finished to guess what my split was, i would have guessed at least 20 seconds slower - because that's what it felt like to me. but now i see why it was so hard. so bloody hard. i always wondered what would happen if you really pushed yourself. i mean really, really pushed. do you fall apart into tiny bits? do things start to snap? i wasn't trying to attain those numbers. i was just trying to make it to that yellow line without falling over before i got there. why does it feel like you are running through mud when in fact you are running the fastest you ever have? why does it feel so damn slow when you are in the moment?

i always look back on my workouts & races, and think i could have pushed it a little bit more. sucked it up more. done a little better. am i the only one who thinks this? in the actual moment, though - it doesn't always feel that way. you think this is it, this is my all. i can't give any more. but is it? i wonder. i'm afraid of what would happen on that edge ... that edge of really & truly giving it everything you have. how do you balance on that edge & still make it to the finish line? in one piece? and feel and know that you had absolutley nothing else to give?

there were two more intervals still to go. the 3rd was significantly - relatively speaking now - slower. but dead on my target pace & a pace that had me crying tears of joy last week. unbelieveably, there were no tears of joy this morning. just complete & utter surprise -- along with the thoughts that i should get my watch checked. i didn't think it was possible - especially when that wasn't the star i was shooting for. and in an unprecedented move, i skipped the last one. i felt totally spent & slightly dizzy. i thought the first two were so fast they were an invitation to injury. and there was that fear - that fear of what would happen if i went just one more. would things fall off? would i blow my marathon? it is ridiculously hard for me to make a call like this. and i debated over & over if i should do the 4th. of course now - hours later ... i think i should have sucked it up & done it. but in the moment - i felt it was almost impossible. i burned it all up in the first two. but still. i wonder what the 4th would have been.

i look at that time up there. my fastest mile ever. i never thought that those numbers were attainable. i always thought i was giving it my all. i wonder if i set the bar higher, and stopped being afraid of what would happen along the way, what am i capable of?

Sep 23, 2007

runs. races & otherwise

last years' peak long marathon training run of 21 miles had me throwing up in miles 3 & 4. i still finished the whole 21 miles. and while i didn't throwup, this years' peak long run was no better. it was worse. last year - it was due to a poor breakfast choice. this year, there was no choice.

i signed up to run a 30K for my longest run... i figured it would be a fun way to change up the monotony of my solo long runs, i'd get my course mapped out for me, i wouldn't have to worry about water stops - it would be handed to me & i'd get a cool race shirt. i ran the idea by coach ... i don't make a running move without his advice & after he mulled it over, i got the go-ahead ... permission to run the race however came with some very specific paces to run & the ominous message: you don't want to leave your marathon out on the course.

once he said that, i stopped trolling the internet for last years' times to see if i could place anywhere in my age group. there wasn't going to be any of that this race ... just a training run.

i really have no idea where to start this miserable story, so i'll try to sum it up in a nice neat, list. get some coffee ... you're gonna be here a while. that is of course if i am vain enough to think you're going to stick around for whole story. but then again, maybe you should stick around. maybe you'll learn something in that, don't do what i do sort of way. i have to think a smarter girl would stay home.
  • around 5pm last night, on a road trip home from a very nice little overnight camping trip, i get hit with a bout of diarrhea. it lasts for the entire 3.5 hour trip home. i realize this is a little TMI, but it's quite relevant to the next 24 hours. so stay with me ...
  • we finally arrive home, i need to get race gear organized, get kids to bed, and spend some more time in the loo before i can go to bed. a lot more time. and i try to wonder where this is coming from. figuratively speaking, of course.
  • since there's so much time to just sit. and think. i wonder what sort of demon dairy made its way into my diet. cause i've been good. really good. i did not partake of the veggie buffet at the lodge the previous evening. mostly due to the fact that when i went over there to eagerly fill my plate because i was starving, i can see that the veggies are swimming in vile vats of butter. hmmmm, i'll have the iceburg lettuce salad with oil & vinegar thank you very much.
  • and the next day, i have complete control over our dreamy campfire breakfast & know for a fact there is no dairy, nor is there any in my dreamy chicken salad sandwiches i made for lunch. so i'm totally clean. kosher.
  • so i go to bed & can barely sleep cause i feel like such shit. no pun whatsoever intended.
  • and i think while desperately trying to sleep & despite getting up upteen times to hit the loo, that i while i may not leave my marathon out on the course, there may well be something else of me left out there.
  • its' not much better in the morning. red flags should have gone up while i was on the toilet, for like the 17th minute in a row, pinning my race number on my skirt. or maybe when i was in krogers at 6am looking at immodium ... i had some at home, but a side effect was drowsiness. well good god, i was about to run a race, a drowsiness-inducing otc wasn't gonna cut it. so i think they must have one that is non-drowsy. and i look at the kroger brand & as i look to see the side effects, there is a word in the ingredients that catches my eye: LACTOSE. lactose?! are they shitting me? (again, no pun intended) ... jesus. that would so defeat the purpose. so i go home empty handed.
  • and my new plan for the race was to just go out there & do as much as i could, figuring i would most likely be a DNF.

now, i'm at the race. and i'm feeling bad. really bad. i run around the block because i cannot stand there and listen to everyone's pre-race chatter. it drives me wild. i don't really do pre-race chatter. and i'm also looking for a bathroom. there are none. none. and this is called forshadowing. this is the sign of a poorly staffed/supported event. i've never been to a race where there wasn't a little bank of portapotties ... but i did know going in, cause the woman who owns the shop who ran the race sent an email out to everyone announcing that their mile split callers had bailed out on the last minute & she said there would be signs that marked the miles, wear a watch to get your split times. so i knew to look for mile marker signs.

i didn't know how tiny they would be. nor did i know that they would be facing the wrong way. or not even there. or, i swear - as in mile 13 & 14 that it would only take me 3:24 to run that whole mile.

and, in addition to the fact that their mile split callers bailed out on them, i think their water stop volunteers also decided against showing up. cause this 30k had 1 water stop. if you want to get really technical, it had two - one going into a half mile loop, and one coming out of it. 2 waters in .5 miles. that was it. i asked the girl at the "second" stop if there was water further ahead. she said yes. she must have been smoking crack.

  • the diarrhea gods (they exist) were smiling down on me, cause i got a hall pass for the whole race. and i felt strangely ok for the first half. okay enough to be running faster than instructed. which was bad.
  • the weather gods? not smiling down ... i thought the last day of summer was a couple of days ago. i swear, it was closing in on 90 degrees.
  • i don't even know my paces for the second half - that's where all those missing, turned around or otherwise jacked up mile markers came in to play.
  • i would have killed someone for water. and i knew who it was. i buy things from her store.

but it's over now. i have never felt so bad or so sick at the end of a race. later on in the day, i said to my husband (who was at the finish with the kids) - you forgot to bring the camera. he said: believe me, you didn't want a picture.

i don't think i could walk in a straight line. i stopped at a bunch of bushes in the hopes that i'd throwup. my husband offered to drive me home & i didn't even argue. i would have loved to have been strapped to a gurney & wheeled into an ambluance & hooked up to an IV. dreamy.

once home, all i want to do is get naked & curl up in the fetal position on cold bathroom tiles & snuggle up to the toilet. and there is only one time i ever feel this bad. and its when i have a stomach bug. and its at this moment, after 12 hours of diarrhea and a 30k race that it dawns on me: demon dairy is not the only thing that would give me the runs .... maybe i have a stomach bug.

at one point, i am lying on the couch, giving my husband instructions on how to make my recovery smoothie; and i am moaning - my god, why do i do this? he laughs & says, "you see, i chose a much more civilized sport (cycling), you runners are sadistic".

he says had he woken up in the 'bathroom situation' i was still in after 12 hours, he would have stayed in bed.

staying in bed didn't even occur to me.
cause the shirt was cool.
and i couldn't wear it if i didn't at least run a little bit of the race.

Sep 20, 2007

the big dog run report

after my high as a kite tuesday morning intervals in which i looked at each mile interval as a separate event, coach tells me to apply the same thinking to the big dog run. break it down. smaller, more bite-size bits. not one huge intimidating shit fast big dog run.

i start right away with the game - just make it to valetta. and then, just make it up this hill. i spent the first half of the run convinced they are going slower - because for one thing, i can talk. but also because for the most part, save where i fell off just a bit after that hill, and had to work a little to get it back and close the gap a bit, i'm with them. nevermind that my heartrate was so sky high by the time we got to water stop that i think had i been able to give 5% more effort my heart was in danger of exploding. i arrived to halfway point at the same time as group. this is progress.

its at this point, once we start running again that i'd come to the spots where i would normally lose them - oh, last week, i was dropped here ... and so on. but i'd get to these spots & be pleasantly surprised that i was still with them.

so i started the game again, and every every little "interval", the end of the street, the end of the alley, the top of the hill - i was still with everyone. the game ended about 45 minutes into run when i was no longer with everyone ... they had sped off into the dark, completley out of sight -- which was perfectly fine. i saw the whole run as progress. i kept up longer than i have in about 5 weeks ... basically, since my speedwork tuesdays became part of the schedule.

this whole breaking it down thing is really nothing short of genius. and i know, i know - its common running knowledge or something, its mentioned in every issue of runner's world, i think ... i don't know why i never really did it before. it's like i have to be told these things. and the fact that the advice came from coach just made it more kosher or something. he says, try such & such. and it's done. hell, he could tell me that eating jalepeno peppers will make me faster & i'd do it.

but i digress. i'd look at these big dog runs as just that - BIG. ominous. they hung over me like a cloud every wednesday night. and it never had a silver lining. i'd look at the runs as a whole thing. a big bitter pill of a shit fast long run at 5 am. if i broke it down, and just focused on making it to the end of the street, the hill, the water fountain. i was focused on me, making it to a certain point. i wasn't freaking out about keeping up -- which is a much more intimidating thing to focus on. the fact that i did keep up was just a bonus.

the icing on the proverbial cake i can't eat.

Sep 19, 2007

crazy dreams

i'm having crazy, vivid dreams lately ... mostly, they are dreams about running. early morning dreams in which i already feel like i am doing that day's workout. i mean - i am in the workout. if its' intervals that day, i am dreaming about it. i feel myself running, i can see times on my watch. if it's a pool run that day, i am running my laps & having a conversation with my friend. long run? i can hear the songs on my ipod. i stop for gu. whatever is on the schedule that day, i am dreaming about it around 3:30, 4am.

and they are so freakishly real and so vivid, that i am totally perplexed & incredulous when the alarm goes off. where the hell am i? and why am i wearing these pajamas?

so, i can make sense of the running/workout dreams -- this is my biggest mileage week yet - i am deep into it all right now. but the one dream i can't figure out? the one i had this morning in which i was with p. diddy. in a bakery. ordering cakes & cookies for someone's birthday. and the bakery girl brings the cakes & cookies to us and a whole bunch of frosting has come off and is all over the box & i am dying, i mean dying to eat it. and i ask p. diddy if he thinks its' dairy free frosting. and then i wake up. -- or rather, my son wakes us up with "dudes! its way late!" ... because for the first time in like, ever - we have slept through the alarm.

i don't know what the hell that one means. maybe it means i've finally cracked. or maybe its just the dream of someone who wants to eat cake & run too - without the frosting on the cake giving her a case of the runs.

i have no idea what p. diddy has got to do with it though ...

Sep 18, 2007

it's all coming together

the workout i have been dreading for the past four weeks came & went -
i can worry about things crazy far in advance. its a gift.
today was six mile repeats.
that would be six. six shit fast miles.
with 4 minute recoveries in between.
did i say 6? it bears repeating: six. mile. repeats.

i kicked the shit out of them.
ok, i kicked the shit out of 5 of them. all in target zone.
dead on in target zone.
number 4 got away from me ... don't know how, it just did.

coach had suggested that i look at each mile as a separate event. this is nothing short of genius. a pure stroke of coachy brilliance. looking at each one individually is a much, much easier pill to swallow. six little pills. not one big bitter horse pill. i didn't worry about how many i had left. i didn't compare each lap to the one before. each mile was a single mile. all on its' own. and in a pay it forward sort of way, if you don't already do this, i highly recommend it. mile repeats: each mile is a single, and separate event. trust me. its genius.

there were no mantras this morning of idontwanttodothis.
there was no pacing nervous circles.
i didn't think about how much it hurt. and in fact - it didn't. at all.
there was just one thought: get this done. get. each. one. done.
mind was blank.
legs on auto pilot.

laps 1,2,3 7:15/7:16/7:17
lap 4 i don't know what happened 7:25
but i got it all back again
lap 5 & 6 7:18 / 7:17

followed by holyshitholyshitholyshit.
and some very happy, satisfied, i cannot believe i did it tears.
i did it. its done. and because its my blog i can brag - i kicked ass.
one mile at a time.

in previous weeks i'd hit the first 3 & then it would start to fall apart. i'd get further & further away from target pace with each passing lap. i've seen those numbers up there before, but have never seen them this consistent. this close to each other. and certainly never gotten faster in the last two laps - never got it back like that. once it was gone, it was gone.

i feel like its all coming together now. amazing how that works. i remember this place last year. that sudden realization that if you work your ass off for months and weeks on end, the training works. it does what its' supposed to do. i'm in a good place this week. the workouts are not killing me. i don't need naps after the big days. i could run forever on my long run days. now, to hang on to this feeling. to keep it up. there's still more. 32 days more to be exact. 32 more days to hope that it all comes together enough to translate into 3:45 on october 21st.

Sep 17, 2007

happy monday

i delayed leaving the house for this mornings' 7 miles.
was so convinced from mondays past, that monday runs suck.
i wasn't in any rush to get it started.
i love being wrong.
it couldn't have been more perfect.
7 fast, happy, zen miles.
sunny, chilly - long sleeves pulled over hands miles
that ended at the coffee shop to catch up with a friend.
warm coffee to take off the chill
and a walk home in the sun.
one more square crossed off the schedule.
one more day closer.
i've changed my mind.
monday runs don't suck.
a monday run can be bliss.

Sep 15, 2007

a mile with my girls

i ran a mile with my girls today ...

a flyer came home from school a few weeks' ago announcing the 19th annual family fitness fun run. my oldest daughter and i had done this a few years back & after a small hiatus of not being able to do it due to ballet schedules, etc ... we were definitely in for this year. and after my youngest daughters' stellar performance in her physical best test at school in which she held her lead for the entire half mile & was the first girl, 3rd child overall to cross the finish line - i signed her up too.

i was there that day at school. realizing as i looked across the field that the girl in 1st place was my girl. the same girl that begs me to take her running but whines about how tired she is before we even make it to the end of the street.
i saw her little legs running. running. and her little curls flying behind her.
i saw her smile as she passed me & continued on for the second lap.
i was the stopwatch mom. i know how long she took.
or rather, how fast she went.
i saw her do it & now she has no more whiny excuses.
she blew her cover that day.

so we lay out our outfits last night & head to the race this morning. we do the requisite pre-race port a potty stops, check in & get our t-shirts ... and they run about a mile of excited circles around each other and their brother while we waited for the start.

they start the race as if they had been shot out of a cannon & i think that maybe i should impart some coachy words of wisdom about pacing, etc ...don't burn it all up right now. save some. its ok to start a little slow. then i think - they are kids. its a fun run. just let them be.

their running commentary, pun intended - was hysterical and priceless.
and sounded all too familiar:

1 minute into race, as soon as her afterburners petered out,
my youngest asks -
how long is a mile?

a quarter mile in -
i hate this race.

soon after that -
i hate running.
i don't want to be a runner girl.
maybe i'll be a biker girl.

at the turnaround point,
both of them say -
that's it? we're halfway done!?
downhill will be much easier.

because they've got some nice forward momentum going & i want them to hang on, just a bit longer i say to them that they'll get a medal at the end.
(sadly, and unbeknownst to me, this was not true)
a medal!? we better hurry!

and i say - see those cars in the parking lot up there?
that's the finish line. right past the trees. you're almost there.
keep going. you can do this!

and i watch my oldest daughter -who spent much of the race ahead of us,
start to pick people off, passing them one by one.
and they kick it in ... as fast as their little legs will carry them all the way to
daddy at the finish line & their big brother, who was reluctant to come & cheer them on, but is now happily ringing the cowbell for them.

and they are breathless.
and happy.
and smiling.

i think the bags of race swag containing water bottles, stickers, notepads, pens, hand sanitizer, chapstick & fridge magnets made up for the absence of a medal ...

i'm not sure their race tshirts will come off any time soon.
i don't blame them ... i've been known to wear a medal way longer than i should.

and i ask them in the car on the way home - what was your favorite part of the race?
(totally thinking my youngest would say the hand sanitizer
which had practically been emptied by now -
or the chapstick she was smearing all over her lips)

but she says: the running.
and my other daughter says: the running & the never stopping.

that is the best part girls.

Sep 11, 2007

voices inside my head

lap 1: no pacing in front of the line. just go.go.go.go. god this feels good. i love this. love the dark. i think i can go faster. i think i can go a little. faster. i love running. look at me go. i bet i look fast. just call me marion jones. finish line. hit the button. holy shit. i didn't think i was that fast. sweet. ok.ok.ok ...

catch breath.
pace circles.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 2: ok. think first one was too fast. take it down a notch. save some for later. lord girl. didn't mean take it down that much. am a little tired already. not feeling as fast. its so hard to tell soemtimes. where's my inner marion? there's the big tree. 800 meters. what's that thing about your 800 time translates to your marathon time? shit. i can't see my 800 time. its too dark. come on. you can do this. gogogogogo. i see you, walking your dog. i'm sorry i cannot say hi. i can't even give a little peace sign of a wave. can't even nod my head in that- good morning, i see you and i acknowledge you and we are both out here in the pre dawn hours -sort of way. i can't do it. can't say hi in any way shape or form. but i see you. and in my head, i say good morning. but i'm giving this all i got right now. i have nothing else. i can't keep this up. am i almost there? please. ok. i see it. kick it in. you have enough juice. go. go. go. go. hit the button. omg. ok. not bad. faster than i expected. still in target range. perfectly acceptable. nice job.

catch breath.
pace cirlces.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 3: jog over to start. pace. idontwanttodothisidontwanttodothis. just do it. just. go. ok. i'm doing it. my god. why am i doing this? jesus. my legs are really, really tired. am i jogging? no. must be crawling. feel like i am crawling. what are you doing? this is all you got? come on. this isn't so bad. it will be over soon. don't think about the fact that you have two more to go. hey. maybe you can just quit after this one. yeah. just quit. 3 is good. 3 is going to be fine for today. nevermind that it says five on the schedule. wow. running is hard. this is hard. hey. brain? yeah you. come back here. focus. focus. focus. there's the finish. come on. go. go. go. hit the button. shit. i can't do this anymore. want to go home.

catch breath.
pace circles.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 4: hey. i have an idea. lets really shake things up and go the opposite direction. yeah. that'll be fun. ok. good plan. go. whoa! wtf is that? omg. is that a headwind? yeah. that's what i want. a headwind on mile repeat number four. perfect. oh god. i hate running. who does this? who puts themselves through this shit? jesus. my legs are so damn tired. really. tired. not sure i've felt this before. my ass is tired too. ha. that's funny. my ass is tired. i'm a riot. turn the corner. oh there. headwind gone. oh. this reversal of route was a bad idea. this road is so long. don't look down the road. too depressing. four feet in front of you. four feet in front of you. check your form. its good. always the same. ok. ooh! look. another runner. a diversion. ok. reel her in. reel her in. reel. her. in. well. that didn't take long. diversion over. now what? there it is. that lamppost. way. down. there. hell. you could just stop at this one. or this one. keep going. keep going. you. can. do. this. yellow line. hit the button. woo hoo. 3 seconds faster than previous lap. good.

catch breath.
pace circles.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 5: this is it. last one. please try to keep it together. last one. you can do it. this is too slow. you are going too slow. come on. you can do this. pick it up. jesus. who the hell is running behind me? my god, someone is coming up right behind me. sounds like someone is gonna die soon. omg. its me. its me. man, i am a heavy breather. really. freakishly heavy breather. my god. thats me? am i wheezing now? no. grunting. you are grunting. nice touch. focus. focus. last one. you can do this. check form. good. still the same. please. please. can't you give it a little juice? god this is hard. its hard. idontwanttodothisanymorepleaseletitbeoversoon. come on. dig in. its almost over. almost over. you can walk home if you want. just finish this. crickets. and my breathing. its all i hear. yellow line. there it is. there it is. there. it. is. hit the button. shit. 12 seconds too slow. 12 seconds out of target pace. its ok. i'm done.

and i don't walk home
like i promised myself i could in lap 5.
i run.

and for whatever reason, be it my early bed last night, my renewed sense of the importance of hydrating, or just a second wind; for the first time since starting the mile repeat madness, i feel like they didn't suck the life out of me. i do not feel the need to fall in to a rip van winkle of a stupor.

and of course, beacuse i am me, i think that if i had the energy to run home fairly fast and did not drag my sorry tired ass in the front door & fight with myself to stay awake long enough to get my girls on the bus; and in fact feel energized & ready to face the day without a nap ... that must mean i didn't give it my all.

i'm psychotic this way.

but i only thought that for a moment. ok. maybe i wondered about it for 30 minutes. because in my efforts to be a grown up & not beat myself up over everything, and give myself more credit for my efforts; rather than be worried that i am not tired, which in and of itself is a ridiculous thing to worry about - i'll see it for what it was. a hard, but great workout for which i was well fed, well rested & well hydrated.

and maybe that's why i am not so tired.
light dawns on planet zanne once again.

Sep 9, 2007

dehydrated runner.

i feel like i have been in a perpetual state of heat exhaustion for about a month. there was one day in particular, about a month ago ... (let me preface this quick story by saying i'm trying to be really good during this training & cut back on my candy intake. so, because i'm an all or nothing sort of girl - i don't simply cut back. i quit. cold turkey.) ... so, one day - i feel tired. and sort of feverish. and really nauseous. and i think: omg! its a candy deficiency! i'm going into detox from lack of candy. (i promise you - i thought this.) and i left the house & went out to buy a big bag of gumdrops to remedy the situation. then, on the news that night, they were yammering on about the heat & the umpteenth day of 3 digit temps, blahblahblahblah ... but what catches my ear is when they start to list the symptoms for heat exhaustion: feverish, nausea - and so on. and i'm standing in my kitchen thinking, shit. it wasn't a candy deficiency. i bet i'm heat exhausted. i fell off the wagon for nothing.

so, even though i feel like i have been in this perpetual state of heat exhaustion, i know i am still not drinking enough water ...

i went to bed last night ... the night before a long run and when i was just in that place between asleep & awake, it dawned on me that once again, i didn't drink nearly enough water. and if i really thought about it - i wasn't sure that other than the water bottle i depleted on yesterdays' ride, i had any water at all.

shit. good god girl - can you get any stupider?

so i down a half bottle of water and hoped for the best.

needless to say, i woke up with a raging headache. i'm familiar with these headaches - they happen when i'm DEHYDRATED. duh. and they just get worse & worse and if not stopped dead in their tracks, turn into a migraine.

a smart girl may have gone back to bed to wait for headache to subside. she would have spent some more time hydrating. but i never said i was smart. determined. stubborn, yes. smart? not so much. i had 15 miles on the docket ... and now that i am a butt crack of dawn runner - there's nothing worse than the thought of a workout looming over me all day when any number of things could interfere with it & take it away from me.

i was doing this run - headache & dehydration be damned. i tried to will the headache away, tried to pretend i didn't notice that it hurt if i turned my head. i said it was welcome to come back later & put me down for the rest of the day, but please please please, just give me a little over 2 hours. please.

1 banana, a GU, and half bottle of water and i head out the door. figuring i'd just take it nice & slow and stop to drink at every water fountain along my run. every fountain that wasn't inexplicably turned off or just plain missing, that is.

the worst part came with one mile to go right before i was supposed to kick it into big dog pace. the water fountain that i was running towards -just make it to that fountain. just make it to that fountain - was locked behind the garage doors of the auto body shop. and the sight of the soda machine across the street had me cursing myself for forgetting to bring any money on a long run yet again. cause i would have died right there for a soda.

surprisingly, i did indeed make it home in one piece. ok. maybe not so much in one piece. felt more like pieces were on the verge of falling off. one more mile & i bet they would have. but! the headache disappeared around mile 3, never to resurface. and despite the lack of hydration, the 15 miles were done at a perfectly acceptable pace that won't have me beating myself up all day. perhaps planets were colliding. cause i would have bet my last GU that it wasn't gonna go so well.

since completing dehydrated 15 miles, i have been hydrating.
a lot.
which, i obviously should have been doing all along.
i have exactly 6 weeks till race day.
the stupid has to stop.
it's not a candy deficiency.
its a need for water.

Sep 6, 2007

i worry.

so i come back from this mornings' big dog run, which was hard -
but not as hard as last week.
but still. it was hard.
i enter the workout into my spreadsheet thingy,
and see the pace i was running and in an instant -
panic is sitting right next to me.
with a cup of coffee & a smug look on his face.
and he says, if it was that hard, how on earth are you going to maintain that for 26.2 miles?
and i listened to him.

and i go into the kitchen and say to my husband,
" i worry because" ... and i rattle off a long and breathless list and banal detail about paces,heartrates, great runs vs. bad, the sunday long runs that feel great & like i can run forever vs. the big dog runs at near marathon pace that are currently kicking my butt

and when i'm done, he says:
you could have just stopped at "i worry".

and he rattles off a list of all the perfectly valid reasons for the good sunday runs & the tough thursday runs ... the very same reasons my coach emailed back to me later in the day

shit. i didn't think panic would stop by for a visit this early.

putting the cart before the horse

so my friends tell me that it would behoove me
to book flights & hotel rooms for boston.
the boston marathon.
the very same one that i have yet to even qualify for.

the very thought of it made me a little crazy.
i worried that if i planned ahead, it was the ultimate whammy.
the classic jinx.

i felt like booking flights & reserving rooms was akin to the olympic athlete who, during his/her up close & personal interview makes grand, sweeping & very convincing announcements about how they're going to win the gold medal & then, sadly, go home with nothing.

that said, as of last night - i tried to get over the whamminess of it all and booked flights and reserved a room. and i lay in bed after getting the hotel confirmation & tried to coax my heartrate down.

breathe in. breathe out.
1,2,3,4,5 ... 1,2,3,4,5 ....
breathe in. breathe out ...
go to sleep. you have a big dog run in the am ...
go to sleep. omg. you're not alseep yet?
itsokitsokitsok ...
just breathe.