Mar 10, 2008

falling apart

i am sick. i have spent the day comatose on the couch - vascillating between freezing and burning up, wondering how many sweaters and hats i can pile on to how fast can i get all these layers off. i go from thinking: i feel good. i can get totally get up and be a productive member of society, maybe fold that small-child-high pile of laundry in my dining room; only to find myself wandering aimlessly around the house in a dizzy daze collapsing back on the couch 30 minutes later. i've gone through an entire roll of toilet paper blowing my nose. i've been in my pj's all day. i've learned that while we are at work our tv is set to record episodes of how its made all day long. i've snorted and gargled saltwater, my nostrils have become intimate with the zicam, and if it didn't knock me out so fast, i could sing the praises of nighttime thera-flu from the rooftops. but still. i feel like crap.

this just very literally adds insult to injury. i had high hopes for another run today. my high hopes should really just take a vacation. they keep getting disappointed. they are getting sick of the crapshoot that is: will this be a good run or not so much? i swear that if i could somehow get all zen about this and embrace whatever the hell i'm supposed to be learning right now, it would all be better.

which brings me to a little confession that i can't help but wonder if it had a hand in what got me here the first place; this injured, sick, sad running-pathetically-little-mileage-every-week place: in the month that has passed since the marathon, i have fallen off the wagon. in every big bad way. and then, if that wasn't bad enough - i think the wagon ran over me. a couple of times. i was floored by how quickly (we're talking lightning speed) food lost all importance once i wasn't "in training". i fell off the wagon overnight people. overnight. a mere four days after the marathon i ate an entire bag of conversation hearts. (and as a small aside, these are the best candies in the world next to gumdrops. really - a close tie). and then there was the hershey bar in the checkout lane at the market. and there was um, an entireboxofgirlscoutcookies. not all in one sitting mind you; although that shit could totally happen. the box of samoa love lasted about a day and a half. and then there was this very low moment: iatesomegumdrops. they were yucky. but i ate them anyway. during my nutritional overhaul and my first stint in sugar rehab, jen would tell me: there is room in our lives for sugar. which made me happy. it held the sweet promise that one day me & the sugar could be friends again. well. me & the sugar? we are not friends. i think i need to check myself into sugar rehab again. thank god that box of cookies is gone cause i dont know who can check themselves into sugar rehab with those things in the house. i'd have to have an ambulance come get me, strap me to a gurney and haul me away from those things.

but right now, i am freezing and at the same time burning up. i am in the same clothes i was in 24 hours ago. the small-child-high pile of laundry remains intact and untouched. i need to make myself a bowl of edamame and get back on that couch. maybe the tivo got some how its made episodes of 'running sneakers', 'marathon medals' and 'mylar blankets'. i would totally try and stay lucid for that. once upon a time i ran a marathon. three, in fact. oh. good times people. those were good times. this is me - falling apart. only a pain free longer-than-four-mile run and some greens can save me.

17 comments:

Non-Runner Nancy said...

I need to make myself a bowl of edamame??!!! ROFLMAO - and I never use that, but I am. You are cracking me up. I am shocked at the sugar wagon getting you. You were so over it. Get back on the wagon and you will feel better. :D Does this mean you are not making my order?? JUUUst kidding. You need to get better.

XOXO

Christy said...

Hope you feel better soon. funny you mention converstaion hearts because I just found an unopened bag in my kitchen...hmmm...

house on hill road said...

feel better suzanne.

Amanda said...

oh no zanne... you are my sugar free hero, you must find a way back to the light. Feel better soon!

Vegan Run Amok said...

Oh, no! I hope you feel better soon. It's funny you mention GS cookies - inspired by you, and needing to fit into my new tri suit on race day, I'm trying to cut out as much sugar as I can between now and Danskin. So, of course, my mom sent over vegan GS cookies (one of the lemon creme ones, I think, don't have dairy or anything?) with my sister for me yesterday! I stuck them wayyyyyyyy in the back of the freezer and am going to try not to touch them until after the event, but we'll see how that goes... :)

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt said...

It seems like everyone's been sick lately! Including me: I had to miss two days of work and a week of running!

Stay rested and hydrated, and when you have extended bouts of energy, then you can ease back into your running routine. Hang in there! :-)

Matt
Still Waiting for the Runner's High

mindy said...

Feel better Zanne! I think boxes of samoas are going down all over the country - those things are AWESOME. p.s. I tagged you, hope you don't mind!

Nibbles said...

Zanne,

I'm sorry to hear that your immune system has gone AWOL for a few days. I struggle with sugar, too. I find that what works for me is filling the house with plain yogurt and fruit-sweetened (no sugar added) preserves. But I understand the all-or-nothing feeling--I wouldn't be able to leave a box of Girl Scout cookies alone. Feel better!!

Gotta Run said...

Just give in to it girl!! Sounds like you are really sick. Rest is the best thing around for that. Now i feel bad for giving you a hard time about napping.

Rest up and take care of yourself.

mom said...

oh good lord!! were those the conversation hearts that I sent for valentine's day??

you are soooo funny!!

sending 'feel better' hugs........

xoxo

monicac2 said...

Hope you're feeling better!

I am back on no-sugar after resuming my sugar addiction about 8 months ago (I was off sugar for about 3 months and lost TOO much weight).

Like any addiction, ot started out slowly, but when I was back to scooping handfuls of bubble gum into a sandwich bag to take with me to work every day (oh, yes), I decided that my body needed a rest.

I think you need to go "off the wagon" every now and again - "no cookies, ever again" is just no way to live. Don't worry, you'll be sugar free again in no time.

Vickie said...

I am sorry to hear you're sick. Hopefully the fever breaks soon! I understand completely the sugar wagon thing. That cart is just there, waiting, waiting, until one day you decide you need a ride, a little ride won't hurt, just a short ways, but a ride, and then before you know it, you forget how to walk and you're riding it every day, to places you don't want to even go, but you are powerless to hop off. And then one day, you get tired of it and just get off. But that cart keeps coming around, day after day, after day, waiting, waiting, waiting. When you're ready, you will hop off. And then the only thing you can do is be strong and ignore that cart for as long as you can. Just remember, it will always be there. It won't go away even if you want it to go, but you have to be strong and walk the other way.

Andria said...

Oh my word this is funny! I think I need to go in to sugar rehab with you because I'm totally a junkie. I think that's the first time I've admitted it.

I'm with you about the crappy post-marathon feeling. Surprised me that's for sure, but we need to stay positive.

I hope you feel better, but you sound like it can't get much worse. Sorry your so under the weather, but the laundry can wait. Really. Go drink some tea.

Cynthia said...

mom left those conversation hearts here too....they were gone in a day. And Gordon and I ate a box of thin mints on Sunday night....thankfully I learned that you can purchase a box of GS Cookies but have them sent to the troops....so we got one for us and two boxes sent overseas. Hope you are feeling better!

Holden said...

Life and our bodies seek balance. Go too far one way and both will swing back the other to achieve balance. You've been in marathon mode for over a year and just run 2 marathons. I think this is your body seeking balance. As hard as it is, sit back and relax. The fitness you think you are losing will come back just as quickly. Believe me.

Amy@RunnersLounge said...

I hope the lack of posts the last few days means that you are so busy running and living that you didn't have time to tell us you are all better. If not, I hope you are on your way back to healthy soon. The flu/ick is awful this year - take your time, feel better, indulge in rest and food. You will be good as new before you know it.