Oct 7, 2008

the dane

a shameless crush was born last year when the usgp came to town and a good friend of ours (also happens to be usgp promoter) thrust some steno pads & pens into our hands with the instructions to "go into the press tent and pretend to be press" - because basically, around here, if its not a race with a horse in it, its not worth covering - and the press tent was shamefully empty. so my husband and i sat in the tent wearing press badges and were totally enthralled by all the pro cx racers we found ourselves sitting next to. ok, my husband was busy being enthralled by wendy simms and my eyes were glued on the pretty boy in red hamming it up for the cameras.

the pretty boy in red was joachim parbo. lets just say i was slightly obsessed last year. did a lot of cheering and cowbell ringing for the dane.

the dane is here in my town. and the dane held a 'cross clinic at my 'cross course tonight. hello. sign me up.

so. we're at the cross course. and its raining. for like, the first time in 40 days and 40 nights. the dane in red calls everyone over, and does some talking. i dont know what he says. he's too pretty. and red is a very distracting color for shorts. but then, he says - "put the bikes down, time for warm up". i think maybe we are going to do some calisthenics or something. nope. he just yells "follow!" and takes off running. and so, we all run after the dane. down the muddy hill, around the cones he has set up, up the little slope, down into pit, up little hill, around cones ... you get the picture. actually, i wish someone had gotten a picture - it had to be hysterical. all i thought was "hey! running?! i can do this!"

we do a whole bunch of drills, the first ones of which involved crazyfuckingtightturns around some cones that are placed freakishly close to each other. you know that whole thing about - looking where you want to go - don't look where you don't want to go, cause that's where you'll go? yep. so true.

cause i'm looking at the cone, thinking "i don't want to run into that cone", and as i'm thinking this i'm staring at the cone and then of course i crash right into the cone right as the dane is watching and i crash and fall in dog poop. dog. poop. only i had no idea i fell in dog poop until we were on drill number 3 and i looked at my leg and i thought "that looks like dog poop" and i wiped at it with my glove & smelled my glove and yes indeedy that is dog poop on my leg. and while i am looking for leaves to wipe it off, the dane is demonstrating how to dismount while careening down the muddy hill into a tight turn with a run up and if you blink you will miss his dismount. and i missed it cause i had dog poop on my leg.

now it was off the the sand pits. we all gather round the dane in the red shorts for a demonstration and a chat about sand pits and then we all take our turns through the pit. i bit it the first time and the dane is screaming at me "get up! get up!". (cause i'm about to get run over by a kabillion people). i may have bit it the next time too. another time, as i am coming through; this crazy dane in red is screaming at me: "no fucking way! no fucking way are you coming in here that slow!" another time he is screaming something else at me and i don't care how pretty he is anymore and i hate those red shorts and i wonder why i ever had a schoolgirl crush on this crazy screaming dane and i don't like him anymore. and i scream "shutup!" right back to him to which he responds "i will not shut up! go faster!" i made it through the pit that time. (my husband is convinced that getting me fired up & pissed off is the only thing that will make me go faster). good god, do i have to go through this pit and be screamed at again? but, like a lemming, around i go ... all the while thinking: higher cadence, floatfloatfloat, pedalpedalpedal, trytolookgoodinfrontofthedane ... and i am trying to go as fast as hell and i hit the sand, and midway through start to lose speed ... next thing i know - the dane has got his hands on my ass. i repeat - the dane has his hands on my ass. and he's pushing me through the sand and up the hill and i yell "thanks!" as i roll away. and i think:

ok.
the danes' hands on my ass totally makes up for all the yelling at me.
i can be so easily swayed.

there were more drills. dismounts, remounts. he told me to lower my saddle one centimeter. and he told me to keep practicing. (and in a low moment, i wondered if this was danish for "you suck"). i got some great tips on remounts and i got to practice riding in the pouring rain and mud. and i got a nice big push through the sand from the dane. and this is english for his hands were all over my ass. it was a fun night.

18 comments:

pamster said...

You totally and completely crack me up! I also love that you told him to shut up. Your spunk is priceless. What a great opportunity to have him here for a little clinic. So since I'm reading this before I go to bed, I'm hoping to dream about the dreamy dane in red shorts and not the doggy poop.

LAUREN said...

yeah! i love the part where you told him to shut up. ha!

Cindy said...

that's so funny! A 2 handed ass grab? Not too shabby!

SLB said...

Great post sorry about the dog poo though; that stinks...well I guess it did! I love the brush off..."I will not shut up, go faster!" great stuff!

Check out https://www.fenix-store.com/product_info.php?products_id=388 for the bike "mount" not the bike "light"

house on hill road said...

ha ha ha!
lucky you.

Laurel said...

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

You got sh%t on and felt up all in one day! Awesome!

sarah said...

LOL! Love this post! Lucky you, well, except for the dog poop part of it :)

Vegan Run Amok said...

OMG, you are so funny!

Vickie said...

Ah, those small things that keep you going!

pricklypearbloom said...

woo! ass grab! you are so hilarious, I'm trying not to draw attention to myself as I'm laughing...

wth was dog poo doing on the course?

pamster said...

I was just thinking......you go from "playing press" with the dane to him palming your ass a year later. I need to start hanging out with you.

Judi said...

Hey - you coming to Harbrin Park for CX on Sunday? I am meeting up with another blogger for a 9am trail run on the cx course (the local running group is putting the run on) if you want to join us before you race. Email me at judir6@gmail if you want to hook up. If not, me and Dominic will be around for most of the day to watch the races.

Gotta Run said...

Dane sounds.... well HOT. That would make any hardcore workout worth it.

You are one crazy girl!!!!

caroline said...

That is fricking hilarious!

You know, he double handed your ass BECAUSE you told him to shut up. I wonder how long it's been since a woman said that to him. PAH!

bsegal said...

Don't kid yourself, dog poop drives those Danes crazy!!!!
Sorry to miss that one, I had a kid birthday party thing. Possibly the lamest excuse ever.
My real question is- did he grab Steven's as well?

Got Boys? said...

I've been having fun stalking your blog while I trained for my first marathon but this post requires my first comment! I can't count the times I've crashed into something that I was purposely trying NOT to look at! Sorry about the poop even though it sounds like it all worked out!

See Zanne Run said...

got boys - cool! glad you came out of hiding & while its been forever since i posted anything remotely related to marathon training, i'm glad you've been enjoying the blog!

my husband has been telling me over & over again to "look where you want to go - DO NOT look where you don't want to go" ... it really works. sometimes just best to learn from experience!

hope your first marathon went well!

Groover said...

It's true - only getting mad will make you faster. My gym coach actually told me once to see if I can find someone who can piss me off the last 500 meters of a race. It will apparently make for an awesome sprint. :-)

School girl crush on red hot shorts - how old are you again? :-)

Hope your husband didn't mind ...