Sep 11, 2007

voices inside my head

lap 1: no pacing in front of the line. just go.go.go.go. god this feels good. i love this. love the dark. i think i can go faster. i think i can go a little. faster. i love running. look at me go. i bet i look fast. just call me marion jones. finish line. hit the button. holy shit. i didn't think i was that fast. sweet. ok.ok.ok ...

catch breath.
pace circles.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 2: ok. think first one was too fast. take it down a notch. save some for later. lord girl. didn't mean take it down that much. am a little tired already. not feeling as fast. its so hard to tell soemtimes. where's my inner marion? there's the big tree. 800 meters. what's that thing about your 800 time translates to your marathon time? shit. i can't see my 800 time. its too dark. come on. you can do this. gogogogogo. i see you, walking your dog. i'm sorry i cannot say hi. i can't even give a little peace sign of a wave. can't even nod my head in that- good morning, i see you and i acknowledge you and we are both out here in the pre dawn hours -sort of way. i can't do it. can't say hi in any way shape or form. but i see you. and in my head, i say good morning. but i'm giving this all i got right now. i have nothing else. i can't keep this up. am i almost there? please. ok. i see it. kick it in. you have enough juice. go. go. go. go. hit the button. omg. ok. not bad. faster than i expected. still in target range. perfectly acceptable. nice job.

catch breath.
pace cirlces.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 3: jog over to start. pace. idontwanttodothisidontwanttodothis. just do it. just. go. ok. i'm doing it. my god. why am i doing this? jesus. my legs are really, really tired. am i jogging? no. must be crawling. feel like i am crawling. what are you doing? this is all you got? come on. this isn't so bad. it will be over soon. don't think about the fact that you have two more to go. hey. maybe you can just quit after this one. yeah. just quit. 3 is good. 3 is going to be fine for today. nevermind that it says five on the schedule. wow. running is hard. this is hard. hey. brain? yeah you. come back here. focus. focus. focus. there's the finish. come on. go. go. go. hit the button. shit. i can't do this anymore. want to go home.

catch breath.
pace circles.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 4: hey. i have an idea. lets really shake things up and go the opposite direction. yeah. that'll be fun. ok. good plan. go. whoa! wtf is that? omg. is that a headwind? yeah. that's what i want. a headwind on mile repeat number four. perfect. oh god. i hate running. who does this? who puts themselves through this shit? jesus. my legs are so damn tired. really. tired. not sure i've felt this before. my ass is tired too. ha. that's funny. my ass is tired. i'm a riot. turn the corner. oh there. headwind gone. oh. this reversal of route was a bad idea. this road is so long. don't look down the road. too depressing. four feet in front of you. four feet in front of you. check your form. its good. always the same. ok. ooh! look. another runner. a diversion. ok. reel her in. reel her in. reel. her. in. well. that didn't take long. diversion over. now what? there it is. that lamppost. way. down. there. hell. you could just stop at this one. or this one. keep going. keep going. you. can. do. this. yellow line. hit the button. woo hoo. 3 seconds faster than previous lap. good.

catch breath.
pace circles.
drink the gatorade.
start again.

lap 5: this is it. last one. please try to keep it together. last one. you can do it. this is too slow. you are going too slow. come on. you can do this. pick it up. jesus. who the hell is running behind me? my god, someone is coming up right behind me. sounds like someone is gonna die soon. omg. its me. its me. man, i am a heavy breather. really. freakishly heavy breather. my god. thats me? am i wheezing now? no. grunting. you are grunting. nice touch. focus. focus. last one. you can do this. check form. good. still the same. please. please. can't you give it a little juice? god this is hard. its hard. idontwanttodothisanymorepleaseletitbeoversoon. come on. dig in. its almost over. almost over. you can walk home if you want. just finish this. crickets. and my breathing. its all i hear. yellow line. there it is. there it is. there. it. is. hit the button. shit. 12 seconds too slow. 12 seconds out of target pace. its ok. i'm done.

and i don't walk home
like i promised myself i could in lap 5.
i run.
fast.

and for whatever reason, be it my early bed last night, my renewed sense of the importance of hydrating, or just a second wind; for the first time since starting the mile repeat madness, i feel like they didn't suck the life out of me. i do not feel the need to fall in to a rip van winkle of a stupor.

and of course, beacuse i am me, i think that if i had the energy to run home fairly fast and did not drag my sorry tired ass in the front door & fight with myself to stay awake long enough to get my girls on the bus; and in fact feel energized & ready to face the day without a nap ... that must mean i didn't give it my all.

i'm psychotic this way.

but i only thought that for a moment. ok. maybe i wondered about it for 30 minutes. because in my efforts to be a grown up & not beat myself up over everything, and give myself more credit for my efforts; rather than be worried that i am not tired, which in and of itself is a ridiculous thing to worry about - i'll see it for what it was. a hard, but great workout for which i was well fed, well rested & well hydrated.

and maybe that's why i am not so tired.
light dawns on planet zanne once again.

5 comments:

Vickie said...

And yes, yur body is adjusting so it feels easier. Helps to hydrate too, doesn't it? They say the 800s translate to your marathon time. If nothing else, they do give you the stamina you need in those last miles to hold a pace. When I did my first marathon, our training plan called for building on 800s, from 5 to 12, and by the end, we no longer had a track (football season) so had to run around blocks to get our 800s in. That made it interesting and like an obstacle course too. But it was fun and challenging, and you're seeing that too. You will be glad when all this is done,but yu will still want more.

Gotta Run said...

That a girl!! Bed early and lots of fluids is the right ticket to your rockin workout!!!

How great were those numbers? I did not see them. Are you afraid that we will all know how truly fast you are?!!

Love how you posted your thoughts. So much fun reading the random thoughts of a runner.

DarG said...

Any repeat of any distance helps. It's not just about forming short term speed (800 or 1,600 meters), or speed+endurance (1,600-3,200 or a long ladder). It's about making the mind stronger and making pain more enjoyable, or at least tolerable. It's the same with long hill repeats. It's finding you can push the edge of the laughing while running zone a little further each time. . .

You know this, of course, because you keep going out there and pushing it hard. Good show. I'll think of it tonight when I'm doing my 400 meter repeats for a faster 5k. . .

Anonymous said...

Whew, I'm exhasted!! Felt as if I was running beside you...well, that would be impossible, but I was out of breath, for the whole 5 miles....: )

M

Vegan Run Amok said...

I thought about this post this morning when I was doing my little threshold pace run and feeling like I might finally lose my breakfast.

It's so helpful to read blogs like yours and some of the triathlon blogs I read where everyone pushes themselves so hard! It keeps me from quitting as I'd feel like such slacker in comparison, ha!