stream of consciousness ...

most of my writing is just this. a total stream of consciousness, a glimpse inside my head.
its a little crazy in there & i thank the people who keep coming back!

and now ... onto my banal whining about my injury/recovery madness:

i have done an inordinate amount of googling lately.
more than anyone should google. really.
it's gotta be bad for me.

there should be some sort of warning when one is trying to self-diagnose - some red signs that come up and say:
for the love of god woman, get off your laptop & tend to your three children.

here's what i've googled: hip caspule, foam rollers, core stregthening exercises, quadratus lumborum (those muscles in my back that when my massage girl is holding one of the rope like things in her hand & choking the life out of it i just want someone to shoot me & put me out of my misery), tennis ball massage, adhesive hip capsulitis, piriformis, sciatica, hammer gel, bike races (if i can't really run, i may as well look for a ONE HUNDRED MILE or, a metric century bike race i can do with my husband -- i never said i was sane).

here's the nutshell report: (i am so not good at things in a nutshell - but here goes):

• have not been able to run over 4.6 yet. sure - in theory, i could run more. but then i would be back at square one. and i am trying so hard to be a grownup.
• still running on grass.
• have lifts in shoe.
• have consulted with a shoe guru. my shoes are good.
• i bought a balance board for core exercises.
• a tennis ball is my new best friend. (very good for lying on top of & massaging the life out of my lower back/upper ass). -- this is much thanks to a reader & commenter - vicki ... thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!
• the seat on my bike has been raised (this brought about a miraculous change - rode 25 miles yesterday with my seat adjusted & had my first entirely pain free workout in 2 weeks. it then occured to me that the bike was contributing to my problems - wouldn't be the first time i hosed myself.)

and so, in conclusion: reality has set in. i don't think i can wait for someone or something to "fix" this. i need to take a more active part in my recovery. (am sure you are wondering what the hell took me so long to come to this conclusion - i am new at this. the last time i was injured, it did in fact, just get "fixed" ... its a bit different this time). i am beginning to think this is not the sort of thing that will just miraculously disappear; whereby suddenly, i run pain free -- after the magic massage, the magic pain free bike ride etc ... i think i may need to just manage this. do you see how i have prefaced all these statements with "i think"? am just covering my ass ... you know, for the stupidity that is sure to be uncovered in a few more posts.

i think i need to manage it with core strength work, stretching, ice baths, daily tennis ball massage, the considerably more spendy & thus far more infrequent deep tissue massage and physical therapy.

although i must say - i am getting tired of my injury/recovery musings. i almost can't stand to read it myself. almost didn't write anything today ... in looking over this post, that probably would have been better way to go. this has got to be last post regarding the injury that isn't healing as i think it should.

angry girl

i don't know if there are stages of recovery ... am sure if i googled it, there would be.
right now - i'm in the pissed off stage.
is there one of those?
frustration & impatience have moved in ... they aren't going anywhere & i don't really feel like asking them to leave. i'm too pissed. there's room for all of us.

i've been really good. i didn't run for 12 whole &*%^^&* days ... and when i was given the go ahead to try, i did exactly what she said - no more, no less. and then, the next day - i didn't even run again. i didn't even bike - i thought, lets do one full day of rest, just for good measure.

back on the mill at pt today - 2 miles ... wonder if the little old lady next to me heard me muttering fuckfuckfuck (i muttered it way more than a mere 3x, but will spare you) under my breath when i realized that the pain in my way lower back/upper ass was there again.

not whispering. not screaming either, but i heard it loud & clear.

back to the table for a workover. i got stretched, pretzeled, twisted, yanked. i had to jump up down on left leg. OW. on both legs. not a problem. back bends ... a bunch of em ... leg manipulation stuff ... ooh, ouch - hurts right there. hip capsule? what the hell is that? she stretched it. i must google it.

she thinks that perhaps all the leg/hip pain is referred pain from something going on in my back. since that's where the pain originates when running. oy vey. will this end? i so wanted to have a nice clean diagnosis: "oh, you have injured your thingymajingy ... this is how i fix it & get you back on the road again in no time".

this is not so much the case. she seems perplexed. and now i'm pissed.

i can run on grass. flat grass (i.e. no trail running). slowly. for no more than 6 miles or when it starts to hurt - whichever comes first. i left pt & stubbornly went to the park to run. on grass. slowly. 2.4 miles is what came first. i stopped.

there's a clock over there that is ticking. ticking. ticking.
there's a girl here who is dying to run.
my demeanor shows it. my husband could quite possibly have to put me in that rubber room soon.

coming back

did my test run today ... i think it went ok.
it wasn't a miserable failure that ended in tears (i had fully prepared myself for this possibility)... but i'm not sure that it was a swimming success either. a swimming success would have been i ran & felt NOTHING.

i did feel something ... but instead of a screaming, if-you-run-one-more-step-you'll-never-run-again pain; it was more of a i'm-still-here-and-if-you-aren'-t-nice-to-me-i'll-mess-with-your-mojo-again whisper.

i'll take a whisper over screaming pain any day.

whisper aside, i felt amazing - crazy strong, like i could have run all day ... i was fairly surprised at this - would have expected to feel more sluggish after 10 days of no running. i don't know if it was the rest, or the bike, but i felt great.

big.sigh.of.relief.

exhaustion

i am so tired that i just feel as if i could crumble into a puddle of tears at any given moment, for no particular reason other than i am just wiped out from a crazy week.

i was going to do my test run today, but went on a ride instead (am loving that whopping week cycling grand total!!) ... decided it may behoove me to wait one more day.

there's a weensy part of me that is nervous as hell to run tomorrow. what if it doesn't go so well?

pleasant surprises

the nice thing about always expecting the worst (which i am very good at) -- is the fact that it almost never happens ... and what you are left with instead is a pleasant surprise.

i thought a week of no running would result in my behaving like a stark raving mad bitch ending with my husband locking me in a rubber room -- but instead, i rode my bike almost every day -and with every mile (all 90+! of them) i became a little more confident, i had a little more control over the bike, the cars didn't scare me so much, the turns didn't scare me - i'm learning how to transition my gears on hills & descents and i can really put the pedal to the metal when my husband says "catch that guy/girl" ... its all a very good feeling.

so - my muscles didn't atrophy & i didn't shrivel up & die ... i am not in a rubber room (yet) ... and i think i am ready for my test run tomorrow - 2 miles on grass.