the grimacing sideways-shuffle-down-the-stairs-soreness has abated and the weird funky fog, and imminent danger of a flood of blubbery waterworks has lifted. i totally googled "post marathon blues" yesterday. they exist, people. so i am not totally crazy. if it exists in the google it must be real, right? it must mean i am normal. then again, people all over the world google 'long boobs', and that cannot be normal. or real. eew.
i tried to figure out the blues. it wasn't sadness over anything in particular. in fact, it was just that - i was sad about the nothingness. no running, no schedule, no singular focus, no goal. while i know my body and mind need a rest; i miss the running. the singular focus. the goal. and while i can't say i miss being up at mile repeat street or getting up at 4 am to run with the big dogs, i do miss the routine. i told my husband this yesterday & he said: "its only been four days!" yes. its only been four days. but when thirty weeks of training and two marathons come to a grinding halt; four days can feel like a lot. you can get lost in those four days.
and even though i'm elated at having completed my third marathon and in much the same way that if you have three of something, it is considered a collection - i feel that three marathons makes you a marathoner, and i absolutley love that the number four has been replaced with a number three in my personal bests over there in that sidebar; i was still feeling lost. but i'm not lost anymore. i realized i need to remember all those days i longed to run without my watch, without my heartrate monitor. all those days i wanted to cut a run short, skip a hill, or walk for a bit. i can do that now. i can make a run longer if i am feeling great. i can cut it short if i'm not. i can run fast or slow and not worry that i'm jacking around with any prescribed paces or mileage. i can run some races and just see what happens. i can get back on my bike and try to get last summers' mojo back.
i've spent the last several months longing for this sort of freedom; its' here now and i need to just go with it. this is a weensy bit hard for me, because i've learned what having a plan can do. but now i think the next lesson is to learn to be okay with just being. without a schedule to tell me how to be or what to do.