Oct 11, 2007

same time, one year later

the countdown is now in the single digits.

i think at this point last year, with nine days to go; i was in a constant state of anxiety attack. forever on the hunt for the proverbial paper bag to breathe into. and other than a brief anxiety attack on monday over a less than stellar run, afterwhich i had to be reminded that i was in taper & i needed to snap out of my self induced funk - in comparison to last year, especially in these final days - my performance anxiety attacks are a mere blip and don't send me into the downward spiral they did last year.

at this point last year, i was so sick of running. it took every ounce of everything i had to just get out the door. and one day - i had a total breakdown. i stopped, in the middle of a run when i felt a strange squish (one of those phantom taper pains they warn you about) in my knee and i stopped running to sob & wonder when my body would break in half, wonder how much more i could take. and when i finally made it home from that run, i had continued & escalated the breakdown on my couch. my husband had to do a lot of talking off the ledge that day.

this year, throughout this training, there has never been a day that i really just did not want to run. i have never gotten sick of it. okok. until this morning, when i was so tired and just wanted to go back to bed and i was just hoping that today would be the day that coach just didn't show up for the big dog run. cause that's like, never happened - so it was totally realistic to think that today would be the day. and okok. there have been days when i was less than enthusiastic about it all. but i haven't been in the breakdown mode that i was in last year. the, holyshitithinkthisistheresultofovertrainingimfallingapartandnowi'mfucked. i haven't been in this place. i was telling my husband about how this was the first morning that i really didn't want to run & while this feeling paled in comparison to last year, he said that he was amazed that it hadn't happened earlier. i think he's been bracing himself, waiting for the breakdown that happened last year.

but there's no breakdown. nor do i anticipate one.
i don't feel like i am going to break in half.
i don't feel that i can't take any more.
on the contrary. i'm not going to break in half. i'm way stronger.
i don't think i can't take it anymore. i can totally take it. and more.

what an amazing difference a year makes.
i'm in a good place right now.
it feels good. really good.
9 days to go.


Vickie said...

I am glad I saw both posts! You are lucky, your husband is lucky. Hopefully this is good karma for your race!

Andria said...

Single digits! Wohoo!!! You have such a positive attitude right now! I hope you keep it and I know you're going to do awesome!

Nancy said...

Very glad to hear how well you are doing. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

You're in great place, Zanne. You're going to kick some Columbus ass! :)

And I've been wondering, but haven't wanted to ask and, you know, possibly stress you out... do you know your bib number yet and can we track your progress online, the more interactively to root for you, or do we just have to wait for you to come back and post your race report?

Anonymous said...

i want the bib number too. please?

zanne said...

hmmm. i need to think about the bib number thing. firstly - i don't even have it yet. and if i remember correctly, i don't think we get it till packet pick up. so if that's the case, problem solved. i won't be giving it out. if we get it early ... i'll give some thought to posting it for that virtual support factor ...

Anonymous said...

Again, no stress! Just wondering. I'll be rooting for you either way! :)

Laurel said...

Woo-hoo! See you there! You are going to do great!