Aug 28, 2007

catharsis

ca·thar·sis: noun. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit

also known as mile repeats.

i left the house this morning and didn't feel at all good about the task that lay ahead. i had stayed up too late, i had 2 glasses of wine last night - which at this point in training, is two too many. and i was stressed to the max. only i didn't really know exactly how stressed i really was. not until after my first lap.

i slowly started down my street & thought this workout would end
with me throwing up or quitting, or both.
i did the slow 1.2 mile warmup to the start.
i stood at the yellow line that marked the beginning of my mile lap
i do not want to do this, i do not want to do this
and i paced circles in front of the line. for too long.
and then i just went ...

a mile is a long thing.
long enough to think about the things that you are trying not to think about.
the things that are beyond your control.
the things that happen to people you love & you try to help, you want to help but you don't know how. and you are so mad anyway that they, and now you, are in this position - you think you can push it aside & not care, and instead - just be angry.

a mile is long enough to channel all the angry energy into speed.
but it somehow doesn't feel speedy ... i feel slow.
why am i so slow?
it's ok ... i'll chalk it up to bad mojo.
i'm out here, and that's going to have to be good enough for today.
i don't even know what my legs are doing.
i feel like i am sleeping.
and dreaming of running.
the angry goes away a little.
mile one is over.
i nailed the target pace. how the hell did that happen?
i gave up a half mile back.
and then the next surprise:
the flood of tears that i was powerless to stop.
so there i am, in the middle of the street, thankful for the cover of darkness - sobbing.
i sort of wonder where the hell it came from, but i know its' been a couple of months' in the making. nothing like a little marathon training to bring out the stuff you don't want to deal with.

and so i start the madness all over again. another lap. and then another.
each lap started with the same mantra:
i do not want to do this i do not want to do this.
each lap ended in tears.
each lap hit the target.

and then, it was over.
a little weight had been lifted.
a little spirit had been refreshed.

6 comments:

erin said...

hugs.

Amanda said...

ahh the crying run...they hurt and yet feel better all at the same time.

Here's to hoping the next one is more joyous.

Vickie said...

Good job on keeping at the repeats. The paybacks from today will be felt on race day. And its weird how the emotions hit after hard workouts. Sometimes good, sometimes sad. And if you ever want to head north for any races, you are more than welcome to visit!

DarG said...

I wish my mile repeats were that lyrical. Good job holding through them -- that is what is going to get you to Boston next April. And this winter, you can replace mile repeats with equally painful hill repeats, so you're ready for Heartbreak!

These workouts pay off on race day, big time. They also pay off in life in general, which is why runners are such fun people. . .

Vegan Run Amok said...

Hi Zanne,

Thanks for commenting on my blog!

And thanks, too, for the running skirt recommendation. My Under Armour one is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I was kind of scared to try a brief type due to the chafing issue, but a triathlete friend assures me that this can be handled with Bodyglide, that I really don't need compression shorts... So, a runningskirt.com one might work after all! It's good to know from your recommendation that they don't blow up, as this was another concern.

I enjoyed the few posts I had time to read tonight. :) I've added a link to your blog to my own and will try to visit often - you're a good writer!

Take care, and I'm rooting for you to qualify for Boston!!

runliarun said...

No matter how long a mile is, it never lasts enough to comprise all my frustration. But I am working on it. Not on prolonging the mile, God forbid - just on diminishing the frustration