big red button

its simple, really. just push the big red button.
ok. simple for normal people. but me?
lets just say that i have mastered the art of user-error.

i've been using my coachs' watch & heartrate monitor for about a year. its' taken me about that long to figure the damn thing out. not much to figure out really. just push the big red button. i can take user-error to new levels. but now that i've got it down. it's dead. well, not dead yet really ... it may just be a flesh wound. but it is definately headed towards dead.

when coach gave me the watch & monitor it was like a rite of passage. he said something to the effect of: its a whole new level of insanity. i was all excited. i had graduated to heartrate monitor level of running. this was big. to me. he was right - i love geeking out over all the numbers & there is now more to obssess about. i am very good at obssessing. and the day i actually stopped running to take the monitor off; and lick it - in plain daylight - so it would register; was the day i realized it is indeed a whole new level of insanity. i mean, i was standing at an intersection licking my monitor. what the hell had happened to me?

pre-coach & official training, i'd run without a watch. it was more zen that way. i could just run for the sake of running. but once i had the watch on my wrist, i'd come back from runs completely confused & perplexed by my time ... i'd hit the stop button by mistake, or i'd hit the big red button twice. or i wouldn't hit it hard enough. suddenly, mid run - usually after a water or loo stop i'd realize it wasn't clocking me anymore because i forgot to start it again. i'd complain about the watch & be completely incredulous as to why it didn't work & everyone would say "just hit the red button!"

but now the watch has gone completely wiggy on me. really. its the watch this time. not me. it has started a little death march. a few weeks ago while on my 11 mile long run. i heard a bleep. and then another. and another. the watch was recording .06 second splits all on its own. i thought, this could be a fun game - i'll try to run faster for each .06 second split. it was a fun game for about .06 of a second ... and then i got all confused over the rules of the game and how would i actually know i was going faster if each split was .06, so i had to stop. i mean, i could have counted how many splits it recorded & then compared the distance somehow on gmap, but really - who has the time for that? you'd have to be really crazy.

there was the time it just wouln't stop timing. for 6 hours. there was the time it just wouldn't even start. or the time my heartrate registered so high i should be dead.

and today, on my mile repeats - i'd stop. but the watch wouldn't. i'd hit the red button to get my split. nothing. now i was desperate. it was still going. i was calling it a f*cker. i was begging.

push big red button.
wtf? stop!
push big red button.
pleasepleaseplease ... please tell me if i got even remotely near target pace!!
push big red button
stop ticking!
push big red button
i'm done. can't you see that!
push big red button
the excrutiating mile is over! how fast was i?
push big red button
oh dear god, how am i ever going to record this in my little spreadsheet thingy if you don't tell me my exact splits!
push big red button
good god, how does a girl get to boston if she doesn't know her splits?
push bug red button
omg! stop you mofo watch! please! stop!

oh. finally.
i wonder how many seconds i should subtract.
how long was i yelling at you?

ok. look at that - recovery almost over.
now where's my water bottle?
ready to try this all over again? let's go!
push big red button